Self-criticism. It tends to be a hobby of mine. And by hobby, I mean a habit that I hate and can not control ...and the self criticism continues as I criticize my criticism. Hell.

It was why I quit being a disc jockey on KLLY 95.3. As part of the job, it was mandatory that I listen to myself speak at some point. Sure, when I opened a mic, I pulled one side of my headphones away from my ear. But there was always the inevitable prerecorded phone call, or promotional advertisement I was forced to hear. I would criticize every thing about my breaks. I couldn't handle that kind of pressure.

In high school, I was an attorney on the number 2 mock trial team in the state of California. Closing argument, two direct exams and a cross exam, thank you very much. But when it came time to watch our video taped competitions and critique them, I would sit on the floor with my knees tucked into my chest, eyes firmly closed; ears plugged, pleading for it to be over. I was one of the top attorneys for mock trial in all of California. I should not have been so hard on myself.

I can not watch or listen to myself perform in any capacity. At all. Still. To this day. I can't even reread the things I write because I have an intense urge to fix things, make things better. Very rarely do I live up to the standards I have set for myself with regards to such things.

I am not critical of others, not even remotely close to the degree I am critical of myself. I can take criticism from others like a pro. Remarkably well if I do say so myself. In fact, I really do enjoy a good criticism from others, because I believe it helps me develop into a better person. Even if I completely disagree with the criticsm and crumple it up and throw it away. I still learn something, and no matter what, I always hope to keep aquiring knowledge.

Oddly enough, I tend to be an incredibly confident woman in my daily life. When not reviewing every little thing I do. I feel comfortable in my skin, in my body. I am sure of myself under almost any circumstance and I really do love myself. Ooh. That's what she said. After much examination over the years, I genuinely think that I am incapable of reviewing my own performances without taking myself down a few notches. And frankly, I'm not a huge fan of feeling inferior because of my own critical, probably overly critical, eye.

Here's my problem at the moment. I currently serve as one of the female voice talents for six radio stations in Bakersfield. So this morning, when I listened to one of our stations and heard myself 8 times in two hours, it was slightly nauseating. My radio has now been turned off and I'm listening to internet radio. Gasp! If my bosses knew I was listening to a competitor...well, they could probably care less, but it still feels a little like sacrilege.

It messes with my head to hear my voice coming from the radio sitting on the corner of my desk. I wish I could re-record everything, and I can always think of a dozen things I could have done differently. Maybe I just won't listen to any of our stations anymore. Or maybe I'll keep working on the criticism thing. I haven't decided that yet.

And now, I keep thinking about the fact that I criticize myself all too often about the silly things in life and am contemplating a way to kick that habit. I have a problem.