…Right. Now.

It’s been one hellish day. One long, horrifying nightmare of a day.

Tonight, I think I am going to get stupid drunk in hopes of forgetting how close I currently am to curling up into the fetal position underneath my desk, humming some random tune while I rock back and forth with my hands covering my ears.

No. I am not exaggerating. Scary, isn’t it?

I am still at work, with two hours left in the work day, hoping that taking the time to blog will provide me with enough of a respite to step back into my responsibilities with a renewed sense of spirit and optimism. This is doubtful, but I do live in hope.

When I first started blogging, I promised I would never, ever blog about work. Mostly because this is a public blog and I’d hate to become one of those stupid idiots who blogged too much about work while at work and got the boot. Today is going to be an exception. Brace yourselves. There may be a lot of vulgar language in this blog. I am not apologetic of this fact.

For those of you who don’t know, I work in the media. It is a job I love and adore with every ounce of my being, even on the worst of days. A few months ago, our company started laying off employees as a result of the economic crisis. 3 weeks ago, there was yet another round of lay offs. Thankfully, I’ve managed to keep my job, but… I’ve also managed to pick up a few other people’s responsibilities as well. Responsibilities not originally part of my job description. I don’t complain about that because, well, at least I have a job and the responsibilities I have recently acquired belonged to people who are not so fortunate.

My office is, as I so lovingly put it, a clusterfuck right now. A big, fat clusterfuck. Too much work, not enough people, and absolutely no structure. The logical, organized, practical Capricorn in me needs structure in the workplace. Without it, I start to loose my sanity, which is exactly what is happening to me right now. I’m pretty sure that my sanity has been slowly slipping away for a few weeks now, but I didn’t realize it until this morning when I walked in the doors of my office and watched it completely disappear while I sat there, helpless. My hands tied behind my back. Looking back, I should have seen it when I woke up today.

I struggled to get out of my bed this morning and function like the normal human being I aspire to be. One half of me loathed the idea of having to move from my place of fractured slumber. The other half begged to be released from the flannel sheets that make me feel ever so slightly claustrophobic by the time morning comes. The claustrophobic half of me won as I pulled one foot from the covers and planted it firmly on the ground next to me before sitting up and pulling the other foot from warmth. I propped my elbows on my knees and tucked my eyes into my hands.

The feeling that overwhelmed in this moment was familiar. I know it well and it knows me. Perhaps better than anyone or anything. But I did what I have so very frequently done in the past when this feeling starts to creep into my chest, I shoved it back inside and treaded off to start my day. Reluctantly, I’ve been doing this for the last few weeks with increasing frequency. The feeling has even started to creep into my nights again. That’s usually the sign that things in my world are starting to veer off course.

The mornings have always been worse for me when life gets incredibly stressful. I can mask the nights with television and alcohol. But by the time my alarm clock alerts me of the impending day, both the television and alcohol have left only a residue of comfortable familiarity. The television is almost certainly stuck on Wings, some morning show, or when I’m lucky, an infomercial. The alcohol never seems to leave a hangover, but I can always taste the tequila, scotch or beer somewhere in the back of my throat, and the buzz has long worn off. Mornings are the worst for me.

Ordinarily, the anxiety starts to wash away from me when I step into the shower. It’s the act of cleansing that does it for me, I think. This is why the shower is always the first place I hit in the morning. Once I step in, I stick my head under the shower and let the scolding water run over every inch of me. Usually I face the shower head, with my hands on the wall, helping to prop up my still not fully functioning body. Occasionally, I stand with my back to the water and the let it massage my neck. This is the only ritual I have that keeps my mornings running smoothly. I may wake up on the wrong side of the bed, frustrated, angry, sad, or depressed, it doesn’t matter. After my shower, I feel worlds apart from the groggy, unpleasant, anxiety ridden Danielle that may have risen that day. I have washed away the negativity and left only the pleasant thoughts to remain. Usually.

This morning, standing under the scalding water, just as I do every day, the feeling crept back up and started to beat its way out of my chest. I cranked the heat up, hoping to burn away the feeling. But I couldn’t keep myself propped up anymore. My legs gave out on me and I collapsed onto the floor of the shower, my knees tucked into my chest. I should have known then that today was NOT going to go well. But I live in hope, remember? Perhaps I blinded myself with hope and scolding hot water.

I spent a good majority of my teens and early 20’s on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds to fight these feelings (Xanax, my dear friend, I do miss you right now). But I’ve learned to live without the drugs and put aside my anxiety and stress and get done the shit that needs to get done. Today, I have been fighting a near mental breakdown and working my tired little ass off to get shit done. It’s a damn good thing I love my job, even on days like today, otherwise I am certain my coworkers would be dragging me out from underneath my desk right now and shipping me off to some hospital for a psych eval.

It’s now only 45 minutes until the quitting bell rings and I can start drinking.

Hell, I could start drinking right now. Our office certainly has enough booze to keep us all drunk for a long time. Strike that, it could probably only keep us lushes drunk for a few days, but still…

I’m going to go and tidy up my desk before I head out for the day. It would be an understatement to say that’s it’s a huge mess right now. Hopefully, when I get into work tomorrow, my clean desk will set the tone for a good day. Although my desk is always clean every morning and that didn’t seem to help, today. But... hope, right?

I am hope.