Atop my feebly made bed, ensconced in the pillows, is a stuffed teddy bear. His name is Monte. He is a grungy, rogue warrior polar bear in fatigues. He is a ruthless killer with a dark past. Next to him sits a stuffed Ewok, Paploo. He is often a boisterous and can be a bit of a trouble-maker. But Paploo is frequently depressed because his cousin, the beautiful Princess Kneesaa, has been missing for quite some time.

I know what you’re thinking. How could someone as fancy as Princess Kneesaa be related to a hoodlum like Paploo? But I swear. It’s true. Google that shit.

When Paploo gets bored, he likes to taunt my cat, Lucy. She’s a fiery redhead. Please don’t try googling “fiery redhead.” I speak from experience and the results are NSFW. Unless you are in the business of making backseat pornos. Then it’s just “research.” When Lucy gets bored, she prefers to taunt Monte. Monte always wins, though. He is a ruthless killer after all. His weapon of choice is his brut force and gnarly snarl. I have come home many nights to find tufts of white and red hair scattered throughout my apartment, accompanied by Dexter style splatters and trails of blood.

In order to keep the peace, I set out Han Solo’s bust to serve as chaperone. He’s got a blaster in one hand and a smirk on his face that makes the ladies go weak in the knees. If only _he_ had knees to get around, maybe he would be more effective at his job. I haven’t confronted him, yet, but I think Han may have an alcohol problem. My wine often disappears and shortly thereafter, Han shows up in miniature hats made of French bread. And yes, Han’s drink of choice is wine. Obviously. But if Han isn’t drinking my wine, there is one other option.

The Gummi Bears are drinking it. It _does_ look an awful lot like their magical, bounce inducing Gummibeary juice. And, occasionally, in the wee small hours of the morning, I hear faint voices sloppily singing about high adventure that’s beyond compare. I also hear them plotting against their arch nemesis, the McDucks, specifically Scrooge. You probably thought it was that Duke Igthorn guy, didn’t you? That was exactly what they wanted you to think. Disney forbade them from talking about the rivalry in fear that a public feud would hurt the wholesome Disney image.

As you can tell, living close to Disneyland has certainly increased the amount of anthropomorphic creatures that drop by to visit me. Although, now that I mention that, I am sensing a pattern, here. All of the creatures that visit are washed up, former Disney reality stars. The Gummi Bears, The McDucks, Chip and Dale and their Rescue Rangers. I get the feeling that Disney evicted them from the property years ago in favor of new, shiny, pretty, young cartoons and these guys are roaming around Orange County looking for food and a place to stay. I'm happy to help them out. The thought of these magical little animals roaming the dangerous streets of Anaheim makes me physically ill. But don't get the wrong idea. I don't let just any anthropomorphic creature into my bed. Just bears, ducks and chipmunks. A girl has to have standards.