My college applications are due in exactly 10 days. And aside from the incessant aggravations of compiling all of the necessary information, these applications represent a change in my life's course.

I was 20 years old when Chris and I began dating. That seems so young to me now, despite having told myself that it wasn't that young. I have many a friend who was married by that age. settled. stable. sure. But I was a bit of a wandering soul at 20. Lost in my unattainable dreams to light up the stage with my acting prowess (or as it turned out, lack thereof). I didn't know what I really wanted to do with my life, but I knew how I felt about Chris. I loved him. And he had always loved me.

Our story seemed so perfect, so storybook, sooo the ever-cheesy romantic comedy. We were both in A Midsummer Night's Dream in high school, and we went to the junior prom together, where I hung out with another guy almost all night while he was preoccupied with some typical high school drama. Something SO important, that I don't even remember what the drama was. So totally high school. This other guy and I started dating and he was one of Chris's best friends. We would date for almost 2 years before I ended it. Chris says that he was miserable watching me date another guy because he was in love with me. But he stuck around because he would rather have been friends then loose me all together. Chris had moved into that dreaded "friends zone." Cut to almost two years later and he was still pining for me, but he was on the verge of giving up hope all together. And I suddenly felt terrified at the idea that I may loose my chance with him. So I gathered up all my confidence and independence and told him that I wanted to give it a shot.

Before we started dating though, Chris had a few stipulations for me. Three to be exact. And one of those stipulations was that he knew what he wanted, and he wasn't going to compromise his dreams for any girl, even me. At the time, I respected that a great deal and accepted that reality. To be honest, I didn't really have my own set goals and my life was pretty flexible, so I didn't mind the idea of tagging along on his ride.

Until I found my own dream. Photography. And suddenly things changed. No longer was I content to follow along on his coattails. I wanted to go to an amazing photography school and learn everything I could about this hobby I had always loved and suddenly realized I wanted to make my life. However, due to some financial constraints, it took me a while to get to a point in my life that would allow me to accomplish these things. Now, as I'm facing the future of my dreams, I am remembering what Chris said when we first started dating... that he wouldn't compromise his big dreams for me, and he hasn't. He is living in Scotland and studying something he is incredibly passionate about. Living his dream. And it's my turn now, it's my turn now to live out my dream, except that now, being two people with incredibly strong passions is much more complicated. Each college application I submit takes me farther away from a future with him. By this time next year, Chris will be transferring to a phd program, nowhere near any of the schools I hope to attend. And in order for us to stay an "us," one of us is going to have to compromise our dreams. Completely. But which one?

This was not what we had always envisioned. Choosing between dreams. Choosing one thing over the other. Or choosing ourselves as individuals first and hoping for the best. And all we feel is conflicted.

It's going to be a cold December this year.